Top Ten Signs That Linux Has Bill Gates Worried
10. New numbering scheme. Instead of Windows95, it is now Windows
3.1.pl95.
9. His wife says he's wild in bed now. He is tossing and turning in
his sleep, not just laying there.
8. Microsoft's headquarter moves to Finland.
7. Window's performance is now measured in BogoGPF's.
6. Bill's consulting with his lawyers on whether or not they could
defeat the GPL.
5. 1995 is here. Linux is here. Something isn't.
4. Flowers sent to Janet Reno with a note saying "What's a little
anti-trust between friends."
3. Renames Star Wars action figures as "Bill Skywalker" and "Darth
Torvalds".
2. Whenever someone asks him about Windows, all he can say is "X"
1. He sent Linus the source for Windows95 with a note that says "HELP
ME SAVE MY ASS!"
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Top ten other Linux slogans, instead of Choice of a GNU Generation
10. Minix on steroids
9. That way cool program by that finnish dude
8. Linux - it can help you to pick up chicks
7. Linux - it's what Judge Lance Ito runs on his notebook
6. Hey - with 90 patch levels, you know it's gotta be good
5. IP Spoofing without the price of the big unix systems
4. Like the Microsoft ads: The stuff we build is powerful...but ours
works.
3. Thousands have used Linux to up their systems productivity. Up
yours!
2. EuroUnix
1. Hey Windows - Bite me!
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Top Ten Uses for Linux on Capital Hill
10. UseNet access to a.b.p.e and a.s.s for Sen. Packwood
9. Hillary can keep track of who's called her a bitch.
8. Bill can tell Newt off via the anonymous re-mailer, before senate
legislation makes it illegal.
7. Pentium and the Federal budget - perfect together.
6. Emacs: big, much more than needed, considered by many to be a waste
of resources. Congress...nuff said.
5. Can control Chelsie's robot - Al Gore.
4. Reno bring Microsoft up on charges without fear of losing MS tech
support.
3. Dan Quayle in '96 - ispell in 96
2. IP sniffer so the different branches of the government can entrap
each other.
1. 3 words - e-mail for Socks.
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Top Ten contributions to Linux by other companies
10. Trojan for making it possible to insert modules without fear of
viruses.
9. Whatever beer it was that helped Linus through those long nights.
8. Ziff-Davis publishing for covering the Linux phenomenon, and not
vaporware like Windows95.
7. Turner communictions for the colorized version of ls.
6. Pepsi - the other choice of a gnu generation.
5. Whoever sold Linus his computer back in Jan 91 - thank goodness it
wasn't Apple.
4. Fosters Lager, for helping me come up with this crap.
3. Penthouse Video for the man pages the following binaries: unzip,
strip, touch, finger, mount, gasp, yes, umount, and sleep.
2. We'd like to thank the academy, Robert Zemekis for making this
movie, and Tom Hanks for starring in it. (Whoops)
1. Even though we didn't need it, Microsoft for making us look so damn
good.
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Top Ten Things Overheard at Comdex in Atlanta
10. Hey Bill, you've got to see this Linux thing - a working 32-bit
operating system - it can be done!
9. Hey, when Gates promises us the new version of Windows in the fall
at Comdex 96, he'll have said the same thing three years in a row.
8. $4 for a dry muffin and soda...I must have died and gone to the
movies.
7. Wow, a vendor showing full motion video - that's original.
6. I find it odd that these 50 year old MIS directors know the secret
codes for DOOM.
5. What company is sponsering the shuttles to the Chettah Club this
year?
4. Wow...look at all the lunch seating in the CNN Center.
3. Do the microsoft reps chanting "Buy Buy Buy" remind anymone of the
cops at freaknik saying "Move Move Move"?
2. I got this over at the Penthouse/Omni magazine joint booth - go
figure.
1. 11 am, I think I've seen enough for this year.
Some notes for out of towners:
The Chettah Club is a local strip joint. Last year, some company had
buses running back and forth. Freaknik is a black college spring
break street party that the police really clamped down on this year.
The CNN Center has a bunch of fast food places in it, but not nearly
enough seats.
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Top Ten signs that Linus has gone nuts
10. When asked how to pronounce Linux, he says Buttafucco.
9. Is accepting patches from Microsoft.
8. Has a gambling pool on how many patch level's 1.3 will have.
7. Is rewriting parts of the kernel in APL ( - for perfomance
reasons.)
6. Is now drinking non-alcoholic beer.
5. Next platform to port to : Coleco Adam
4. Only will speak at a conference if he's allowed to streak.
3. He actually reads comp.os.linux.advocacy
2. He actually thought he stood a chance of getting tickets and a
cheap hotel room for the 1996 olympics
1. He now accepts any patch, in line with his new motto:
"Linux is like a Microsoft operating system, you never know quite what
you're gonna get."
-Linus Gump
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Top Ten signs that you have been using Linux too long
10.Your father-in-law asks what kind of beer you want, and you say
Virtual.
9.Friends talk about X rated movies and you ask them what release they
are running.
8.You hear about the OJ trial, and wonder if Minute Made or Tropicana
is the one being sued.
7.Your bookshelf looks like an 1.currently missing
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Top Ten other songs MS could have paid to use
In putting this together it was hard to discard the ones that would
have worked while we were waiting for Win95 like, Rosanne Cash's
"Somewhere, sometime", Bob Marley's "Waiting in Vain" and Phil
Collins "We Wait & We Wonder". It was also easy to ignore the
obvious like REM's "End of the World as we know it" and Slayer's
"Angel of Death", and Niel Young's "Piece Of Crap"
10. David Bowie - Time Will Crawl
9. Hawkwind - We Took The Wrong Turn Years Ago
8. Styx - The Grand Illusion
7. Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be
6. Stevie Nicks - Long Way To Go
5. Pink Floyd - High Hopes
4. Billy Joel - Shameless
3. Beatles - Fixing a Hole
2. John Lennon - Imagine
1. Anything by "Crash Test Dummies"
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Please send any comments or problem reports to the maintainer of this
page:
Dan Newcombe / newcombe@aa.csc.peachnet.edu