Dictionary of Computer Terms

ANTIC:
     What the Bugs in your program are up to.

BACKUP:
     Opposite of forward.

BASIC:
     A computer language used for generating errors.

BBS:
     Not a 'Class A' B.S.

BCD:
     Three of the first four letters in the alphabet.

BOARD:
     State of mind of the programmers spouse.

BOOLEAN LOGIC:
     Your spouse's term for your reasoning.

BRANCH:
     Stick used for beating CPU's. If the stick is watered it might turn into a
     computer club.

BUBBLE MEMORY:
     Your spouse's nickname for you.

BUBBLE SORT:
     Your spouse's term for your friends.

BUG:
     Intercom system used in the Watergate complex.

BUS:
     Mode of transportation for programmers.

BYTE:
     A large NIBBLE.

C:
     The language of washed-up programmers.

CHIP:
       1.  One California Highway Patrolman
       2.  Used in computers, they come in four flavors: silicon, potato,
          chocolate and buffalo.

CLOAD:
     Command to lock up keyboard.

COMPUTER MAGAZINE:
     A place where your computer stores ammunition.

CONCATENATION:
     A convention of all the nation's kitty cats.

CPU:
     CP-3O's mother.

CRASH:
     Normal termination of a program.

CRT:
     (see RT).

CSAVE:
     A command to write blank tapes.

DEBUG:
     Raid sprayed on the keyboard.

DEDICATED:
     A programmer trying to decode a string packed program.

DIGITAL:
     Something done with fingers, as in checking computer mathematics.

DIP:
     Inventor of a famous switch.

DISK DRIVE:
     A motor for a Frisbee.

DISK PACK:
     Six cans of fluid, used by disk drive technicians to improve their
     thinking.

DMA:
     Abbreviation for "Direct Memory Access"; "brain surgery".

DOWNTIME:
     Slang for when a programmer is being realistic.

DUMP:
     Spouse's term for area around the computer.

EBCDIC:
     Security code for IBM computers. Means "Erase Backup, Chew Disk, Ignite
     Cards". For a variety of obvious reasons, only IBM computers use EBCDIC
     code.

EDITOR:
     A program which deletes obscene commands.

ENDLESS LOOP:
     (see LOOP, ENDLESS).

EPROM:
     Acronym for "Exit Program, Read Owners Manual".

ERROR:
     A programmer's decision to skip making a flow chart and to exclude
     comments from his program.

ERROR TRAP:
     A black hole placed in a computer to capture bugs.

EXECUTION:
     What your computer did to your program, also known as murder.

EXPANSION:
     Computer slang for "vital parts missing". A computer with "expansion
     capability" is capable of working only when the extra parts are purchased.

FIFO:
     Good name for a French Poodle.

FIG-FORTH:
     A quartered Fig.

FILE:
     Found in cakes, it is used to end lockups.

FIRMWARE:
     Hardware that is beginning to melt.

FLIP FLOP CIRCUIT:
     Device used by politicians to determine policy. FLOPPY DISK: Back pain
     that you claim is from an old war injury.

FLOWCHART:
     Current map of the Gulf of Mexico.

FLYING HEAD:
     Airline toilet.

FORTH:
     One of the top three computer languages.

GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER:
     A computer not terribly good at anything in particular.

GIGO:
     "Garbage In-Garbage Out". Normal result of most computer programming.

GLITCH:
     A bug with ambitions.

HANDSHAKING:
     Symptom of too much programming. Most commonly seen among programmers who
     have just had their program erased by power fluctuations before they could
     save their program.

HARD COPY:
     Cheating during a well monitored test.

HEXADECIMAL:
     Unlucky numbers used by computers.

HIGH RESOLUTION:
     A law passed in Denver.

HOME COMPUTER:
     Real estate agent's loan calculator.

IBM:
     Incredibly Big Machine.

INTERFACE:
     The look on the face of the computer salesperson as you walk away with a
     machine you'll never know how to use.

ITERATE:
     A health illiterate.

KEYBOARD:
     The most important part of a computer. Resembling a typewriter, the
     keyboard is used for entering errors into a computer.

KEYPUNCH:
     The one who won the fight.

KEYWORDS:
     All the words left out of your computer.

LANGUAGE:
     A system of organized and defining syntax errors.

LIFO:
     What a programmer loses when he blows his STACK.

LOOKUP TABLE:
     Crib sheet for computers.

LOOP, ENDLESS:
     (see ENDLESS LOOP)

MAINFRAME:
     What the salesman said you were getting when you bought your micro (see
     SIMULATOR).

MATH CHIP:
     Piece of broken abacus.

MINICOMPUTER:
     Wife of Ottocomputer.

MODEM:
     The new version of 'MODEL'.

MUX:
     Short for multiplexer, a device which plexes multis. A device which plexes
     cats is a perplexer.

NIBBLE:
     A small BYTE.

NORMALIZE:
     What a spouse claims to be trying to do by cutting the power to the
     computer.

PASSWORD:
     The nonsense word taped to the CRT.

PERIPHERAL:
     Your spouse after you bought your computer.

PINFEED:
     The diet your spouse threatens you with every time you mention a new
     program or computer you want.

POINTER:
     An informer.

POKEY:
     A finger affliction of people that 'Hunt and Peck'.

PORT:
     The left side of the computer.

PRIME NUMBER:
     Tender, juicy numbers used only in the most expensive computers.

PROGRAMMER:
     A person who thinks he knows how to talk to a computer. A person who
     really knows how to talk to a computer is known as a fruitcake.

PROTECTED DATA:
     (definition withheld).

REAL NUMBERS:
     What you wish your computer would use instead of all this phony binary/hex
     stuff.

RECURSION:
     (see RECURSION)

REDUNDANCY:
     KKeeyybboouunnccee..

REGISTER:
     Never found in a Radio Shack store.

RESET:
     Another way to end a four hour sort.

RIBBON:
     What your spouse gives you every time your friends ask about your
     computer.

RND:
     Short for "Random Number Generator", a computer command used for
     calculating checkbook balances, income tax, rent, phone bills....

ROM:
     Built on seven hills, all roads lead to it.

RS232:
     R2-D2's father.

RT:
     Remote Terminal: What the programmer considers his spouse.

SERIAL:
     Wheaties, Cheerio's, etc.

SIMULATOR:
     What you actually purchased when you bought your computer (see MAINFRAME).

STACK:
     The area of a computers memory used to collect garbage bytes.

STAND ALONE:
     What happens to a programmer when he starts talking about computers at a
     party.

STATE OF THE ART:
     Undefined.

SUBROUTINE:
     Close hatches before diving.

SUBSCRIPT:
     Generally inferior to SUPERSCRIPT.

SUPERSCRIPT:
     Generally superior to SUBSCRIPT.

TERMINAL:
     Mental state of programmers.

USER:
     Someone requiring drug rehabilitation.

VOLATILE STORAGE:
     A disk drive filled with nitroglycerine.

WORK STATION:
     The last place you'd find a programmer.

WRITE:
     Opposite of wrong.