Know your Unix System Administrator -- A Field Guide
There are four major species of Unix sysadmin:
1.The Technical Thug. Usually a systems programmer who has been
forced into system administration;
writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk,
perl, and APL.
2.The Administrative Fascist. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a
harridan ex-secretary) who has been
forced into system administration.
3.The Maniac. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither
the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to
pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system
administration; occasionally approaches
major competitors with indesp schemes.
4.The Idiot. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer
selected to be the system
administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old
COBOL programmers.
How to identify your system administrator:
Situation: Low disk space.
Technical Thug: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage,
maintain a database of historic disk
usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression
analysis, identify users who are more than a
standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending
parties. Places script in cron. Disk
usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore
script-generated mail, or file it away
in triplicate.
Administrative Fascist: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk
quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus
crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.
Maniac:
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
Idiot:
# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n",
$2}'` | compress
Situation: Excessive CPU usage.
Technical Thug: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes,
maintain a database of CPU usage,
identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm,
and renice offending processes.
Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database
into oblivion, bringing operations to a
grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
Administrative Fascist: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU
quotas. Locks accounts that go over
quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much
to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
Maniac:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print
$2}'`
Idiot:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk
'{print $2}'`
Situation: New account creation.
Technical Thug: Writes perl script that creates home directory,
copies in incomprehensible default
environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and
/etc/group (by hand, NOT with
passmgmt), slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle
new accounts. Usually, said secretary
is still dithering over the difference between `enter' and
`return'; and so, no new accounts are ever
created.
Administrative Fascist: Puts new account policy in motd. Since
people without accounts cannot read
the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and
so, no new accounts are ever
created.
Maniac: ``If you're too stupid to break in and create your own
account, I don't want you on the system.
We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box
anyway.''
Idiot:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
Situation: Root disk fails.
Technical Thug: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair
filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that,
front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on
neighboring machine to load binary boot code
into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over
the weekend while he goes mountain
climbing.
Administrative Fascist: Begins investigation to determine who
broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until
culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.
Maniac, Large System: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to
smash same to flinders. Calls
manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer while they put
in a new drive and reinstall the OS.
Maniac, Small System: Rips drive from system, uses ball-pen hammer
to smash same to flinders. Calls
Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while putting in
new drive and reinstalling OS.
Idiot: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
Situation: Poor network response.
Technical Thug: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires
entire machine room, improving
response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, ``I've done all I can
do,'' and goes mountain climbing.
Administrative Fascist: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls
up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever
answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.
Maniac: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits
for connections to time out.
Idiot
# compress -f /dev/en0
Situation: User questions.
Technical Thug: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new
users questions. Doesn't bother
to tell people how to start the new ``guru-mode'', or for that
matter, emacs.
Administrative Fascist: Puts user support policy in motd.
Maintains queue of questions. Answers them
when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the
proper form.
Maniac: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters
knowledge for powerful drink and/or
sycophantic adulation.
Idiot: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the
user realizes few UNIX systems support
punched cards or JCL.
Situation: *Stupid* user questions.
Technical Thug: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or
French until user gives up and goes
away.
Administrative Fascist: Locks user's account until user can
present documentation demonstrating their
qualification to use the machine.
Maniac:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc
alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f
~/.z ~/.cshrc'
^D
Idiot: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits
user to system administration team.
Situation: Process accounting management.
Technical Thug: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts
scripts to sniff out any problems and
compute charges.
Administrative Fascist: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting
records owned by root and chmod'ed
000.
Maniac: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
Idiot:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
Situation: Religious war, BSD vs. System V.
Technical Thug: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
Administrative Fascist: System V. Horrified by the people who use
BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
Maniac: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run
quickly.
Idiot:
# cd c:
Situation: Religious war, System V vs. AIX
Technical Thug: Weeps.
Administrative Fascist: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but
loves the jackboots.
Maniac: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how
much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
Idiot: AIX.
Situation: Balky printer daemons.
Technical Thug: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
Administrative Fascist: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls
customer support every time the printer
freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job
fired.
Maniac: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the
print queues, and maybe restarts the
daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.
Idiot:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
Situation: OS upgrade.
Technical Thug: Reads source code of new release, takes only what
he likes.
Administrative Fascist: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for
having shipped a product with bugs in it
in the first place.
Maniac:
# uptime
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45,
6.31
# wall
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck
on that
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
^D
Idiot:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
Situation: Balky mail.
Technical Thug: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites
sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to
implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement ``better''
semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in
assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
Administrative Fascist: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks
accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps
quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus
solving problem.
Maniac:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back
up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D
Idiot:
# echo "HELP!" | mail
tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
Situation: Users want phone list application.
Technical Thug: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up
and go back to post-it notes.
Administrative Fascist: Oracle. Users give up and go back to
post-it notes.
Maniac: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God
meant man to keep track of phone
numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
Idiot:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
Other Guidelines
:
Typical root .cshrc file
Technical Thug: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of
a perl script, rewrites itself.
Administrative Fascist: Typical lines include:
umask 777
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >&
/dev/null &'
Maniac: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
Idiot: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls
alias era rm
alias kitty cat
alias process_table ps
setenv DISPLAY vt100
Hobbies, Technical
Technical Thug: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest.
Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC
emulator. Virtual reality.
Administrative Fascist: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs.
Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone
conversations. Listens to police band.
Maniac: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits
card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen
in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.
Idiot: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral
converter. Rereads flowcharts from his
salad days at Rand.
Hobbies, Nontechnical
Technical Thug: Drinks ``Smart Drinks.'' Attends raves. Hangs out
at poetry readings and Whole Earth
Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.
Administrative Fascist: Reads Readers Digest and Mein Kampf.
Sometimes turns up car radio and sings
along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in
yuppie bars and tries to pick up
dominatrixes.
Maniac: Reads Utne Reader and Mein Kampf. Faithfully attends
Dickies and Ramones concerts.
Punches out people who say ``virtual reality.'' Drinks damn near
anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black
Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries
to pick up MOTAS by drinking
longshoremen under the table .
Idiot: Reads Time and Newsweek -- and *believes* them. Drinks
Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close
blood relations -- often succeeds, producing next generation of
idiots.
1992 Presidential Election
Technical Thug: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.
Administrative Fascist: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because
he liked Tipper.
Maniac: Frank Zappa.
Idiot: Perot.
1996 Presidential Election
Technical Thug: Richard Stallman -- Larry Wall.
Administrative Fascist: Nixon -- Buchanan.
Maniac: Frank Zappa.
Idiot: Quayle.
Compound System Administrators
Technical Fascist: Hacks kernel and writes a horde of scripts to
prevent folk from ever using more than
their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load
brings system to its knees.
Technical Maniac: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the
system, but are actually encrypting
large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for
worms.
Technical Idiot: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later
do an ``rm -rf /".
Fascistic Maniac: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether
real or imagined, shuts down system by
triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.
Fascistic Idiot:
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
Maniacal Idiot: Napalms the CPU.